What Are The Auds?

Week 7, January 26, 2024

Yesterday, I got on Instagram, solely to thank somebody for sending lovely flowers. I have been staying off to protect myself. I swear… it feels like every time I log in, somebody is pregnant. And that is truly amazing, life is so precious and I genuinely want everybody I know to be able to experience the gift of creating life. It will just be triggering for a while, and I am working through that (shout out to my therapist, Olivia). 

Before I can quickly click on the DM icon, front and center is a post from a friend who is due around the time I was, and she posted “final stretch”.  She showed her beautiful nursery, huge bump, and her husband helping her put her socks on since her growing belly no longer allows for such mobility.  Ouch.  That hurt a LOT.  My mind went to “that’s not fair…I should be there to right now.  I should be so blissfully expecting, too….” 

I cried for a minute, this does suck, and I am allowed to feel all the associated feelings, grieving where I should be on my journey to motherhood. After one minute, I worked to shift my focus. I made that choice, because I knew the spiral I was going down wasn’t productive, or helpful, or respectful to my friend, or to me, or to my daughter. My friend deserves to be blissfully expecting! And her bliss has nothing to do with me, but I was making it about me. I do not want to be that bitter friend.  That’s not who Savannah’s Mom is. Also, I was inadvertently disrespecting Savannah by wishing I was still expecting.  I am no longer expecting, because she has arrived.  She is here.  So instead of staying in the dark and bitter place, I let myself feel the feelings, that are totally valid.  But then I decided to go upstairs to Savannah’s nursery. And I read her a few bible chapters. 

Bible time with Savannah is something that I started earlier this week, and it has helped tremendously.  Whenever I feel sad, I let myself feel it.  And then, instead of staying on Instagram, or reading sad blogs from other loss Moms, I go to my daughter and I read her the bible.  We are learning it together.  I have to say it has been a really good experience so far.  I laugh, I cry, I reflect, and then I YouTube recaps because King James’ version is quite hard to understand.  I always imagined sitting in the nursey and reading books to my daughter. And now I am.

Savannah’s Mom is growing closer to God.  I partially feel like I have no choice, because the alternative is that I will never see my Savannah again.  And that just can’t be true. But the other part of me craves SO much to believe that I will live my life with purpose from here on out.  Savannah had a purpose, and she continues to have one – through me.  She was on purpose, she is for purpose.  I am committed to figuring out what that is. 

On Dec 8, and up until earlier this week, I was triggered when people would say “Everything happens for a reason”, “God needed an angel”, “her wings were ready”, etc. I knew people meant well, but it just hurt to hear those things. There will never be a reason good enough for my Savannah to have to die. Never. 

But now, when I hear “everything happens for a reason… “#God’sPlan, instead of getting upset, I think ok… who am I now? Who am I becoming because of Savannah? What legacy will I leave on her behalf? 

When I hear “God needed an angel…her wings were ready” I don’t believe it, yet, but I want to. I want to believe that she is so very safe in heaven with God and all of our loved ones are taking care of each other. I feel like wanting to believe it is the first step.  So my hope is that through learning the bible with Savannah, I can get to a place where I feel like “God’s got me” and come whatever may, he always will.