What Are The Auds?

Week 6, January 19, 2024

I am going to be Savannah’s Mom for the rest of my life.  Who is Savannah’s Mom?  This has become my new mantra. I heard it while listening to my new favorite, heart-wrenching, extremely depressing podcast called Still A Part of Us. Each week a loss Mom and Dad shares their story of still birth or neonatal loss, and how they have managed to survive the unthinkable. It is wild how rare loss 20+ weeks is (1 in 600), yet there are woman all over the world just like me. Many woman that share their stories have experienced loss at full term. What a sad club we find ourselves in…worst #girlgang ever. 

I still do know who I am, but I know that I want to become somebody that Savannah would be proud of.  I still hurt, a lot.  I feel the post-partum hormones slipping away. I no longer wake up in the morning looking for my baby, or lay awake with the gut-wrenching feeling that I shouldn’t be sleeping – I should be feeding, holding her, changing her, etc. I know she is not physically here. 

The hurt has transformed as weeks pass, and as new “should be” milestones present themselves. This week we went on our babymoon. It wasn’t the babymoon we had planned. We had to cancel the maternity photoshoot on the beach. We decided to still take the trip for Savannah, and I am glad we did. It was nice to change the scenery. We spent our days tanning and drinking fruity drinks, and being “us” as much as we possibly could. We spent our nights crying and clutching Savannah’s pink bonnet. The one she wore when we was handed to us. The one that framed her beautiful face. Mom’s nose. Maybe I imagined it, but I swear Dad’s dimples were starting to form. 

When people asked what brought us to Barbados, we would say “1 Year Wedding Anniversary”. It didn’t feel great to lie about our intent, but our experience with Savannah is so intimate and personal, and we weren’t ready for the awkward questions or sympathy from strangers. I hope one day soon I feel like I can open up about her. The trip was good, and much needed as I was due to return to work the next week…